SATIRE

As we venture further into 2017, the will power to keep our New Year’s resolutions dwindles, but there is a solution! This guide will help you keep your resolutions with easy tips to make it through the year.

• Dieting and Getting in Shape

Most people like to “get in shape” and eat healthy for the New Year. The best way to keep this resolution is to only drink juice and nothing but juice. Better yet, become breatharian and only survive on water and sunlight.

• Reading More Books

The best way to fulfill this resolution is to count every word you read in the past year, and read one more word than you did last year. This is easy and simple with almost immediate gratification.

• Being a “Better” Person

To be a “better” person, all you have to do is be annoyingly optimistic and never stop doing “nice” things. These include opening doors for others, always asking questions, and laughing at what anyone says, no matter what it is. This shows that you’re a lovable, kind, and happy person who is engaged with everyone.

• Stick to it!

The hardest part of sticking to your resolutions is still wanting to do them by the time February comes around, but no matter how unhappy you are and how much you hate your “new” lifestyle, just deal with it; ten months isn’t that long. Just force your way through the year because this shows determination to be a better you.

• Drag Your Friends Into It

No one wants to become a better person alone, so have your friends help you. Only true friends will do a 3-month long juice cleanse with you so you can get ready for prom. Have your friends call you out when you’re not being the best you can be and do the same for them.

(This entire article is satire and should not be taken seriously.)