SATIRE

With the holidays fast approaching, being festive is the best part, aside from charity and being with family. Here are some tips to be super festive for the holidays.

1. Put candy canes on everything.

No matter what it is, put candy canes on it. Don’t have much for lunch? Put candy canes on bread and have a peppermint sandwich. Want to spice up your latte? Add candy canes for a minty twist? Having a bad day? Eat some candy canes. This one winter treat can solve all your problems.

2. Rock your tacky sweaters all day, every day.

“Ugly” sweaters are the most attractive holiday wear, plus they’re practical. Make your own with glitter, pom poms, and lots of hot glue. Take a flash from the past and bring out one of your parents’ fashion staples from 1987. You should wear your sweaters every day to show everyone how committed you are to the holiday season.

3. Listen to festive music… NONSTOP

Starting in early November, holiday music makes its way to the airwaves every year. Make this one a year to remember by never listening to any other type of music from November to February. Even better, you can memorize all the songs on the radio to get your friends in the spirit.

4. Fruitcake: Make it

Making a fruit cake is the number one way to show your friends how much you care about them. Even though fruitcakes are practically inedible, it’s the thought that counts, right?

5. Make everyone else deal with it

It’s not your fault that you love this time of year, so try to make everyone else love it too. The holidays are a magical time of year, so spread the joy.

(everything in this article is satirical and should not be taken literally.)