SATIRE

APALACHEE BEAR BAY; BEARAHASSEE; THE URSUS AMERICANUS PANHANDLE This week in October 2015, the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission terminated the two-day long bear hunt in Florida after a total of 298 bears were slaughtered; in shocking proximity to the anticipated week long maximum of 320. Although many bears were murdered, many hunters also paid the ultimate price.

“The bears came at us with sticks, screeching and growling and just plain ready to attack,” says Roger Harold, an avid hunter in Florida. “I surrendered and my hunting buddies and I got to our knees and pleaded for forgiveness, but those bears were not giving out mercy hugs. They were killing machines. It was almost as if this whole thing was planned.”

In fact, the number of hunters hunted in some parts of the state had exceeded regional bear-limits by the conclusion of the first day.

“This weekend was the first time we’ve hunted humans since 1994,” says Harry Black Bear, a participant in this weekend’s antics. “Although my sleuth retaliated and conservation groups began to form claiming there was no scientific justification for killing all these humans, I eventually assured them that hunting the hunters would increase our safety.”

Wondering what this “week long pursuit will achieve,” human-conservationist Gary Black Bear told reporters, “I realize these humans have inhabited our territory for decades, but attacking now may cause conflict in the near future.”

Heather Black Bear, president and CEO of the Humane Society of the Bear Community, attempted to educate her fellow bear-brethren by holding a “Humans & their Behaviors” seminar within the Golden Bear Association Community Building after the week long hunt had been terminated.

“The human population and the bear population have increased simultaneously for about 21 years. The black bear community feels human numbers should be diminished, but I say violence is not the answer, unlike Harry Black Bear,” says Heather Black Bear.

“In the 1970s, fewer than 300 black bears wandered the flat lands of Florida, and I recall a time when hunting ceased and both humans and bears lived in harmony. This harmony and understanding can be rekindled, but only through education and time.”

Gary Black Bear shares a similar state of mind with Heather Black Bear. “These events raise the question: Are we really solving these issues or creating new ones?”

This article is news satire, (Parody) based off of https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/speaking-of-science/wp/2015/10/29/298-bears-killed-in-florida-hunt-that-ignored-science/.