SATIRE

Prison officials are on high alert at Osceola Fundamental State Penitentiary in preparation for a massive prison break. According to Chief Warden B.I.G. Tallman, the entire prisoner population had been planning this escape for over a year, and had even given their prison break a name: Operation Spring Break. However, despite the enormity of this operation, Warden Tallman said this kind of break is not new, and in fact, happens every year. “Operation Spring Break has been happening for as long as I or anyone else can remember,” Tallman said in a recent press conference. “Where it comes from is still unknown. Some say it’s an old tradition dating back to caveman times. Some say it has its roots in the Roman practice of springus breakanalia. Still others say it has something to do with the Vikings. It doesn’t make a difference to me. What matters is all the prisoners that I’m going to lose.”

According to Warden Tallman, the prison staff have a sort of agreement with the prison population. “We still try to stop them for escaping, of course,” Tallman said. “But we already know we can’t hold our own against over 1,000 prisoners, so a long as the guards at least make it look like they’re trying, they can keep their job.” In exchange for this, the prison administration expect all prisoners to return of their own free will exactly one week later.

However, despite this deal, sources we spoke to say prisoners have begun to push the envelope. “It started off just a week,” said one guard, who spoke on condition of anonymity due to fear of reprisal from prisoners, “and then things changed. Now they’re escaping the Friday or Thursday before. Some are even taking off the whole week before Operation Spring Break! It’s madness!” In response to this, prison administration have implemented new policies to discourage premature escape. “This year,” Chief Warden Tallman said, “we are instituting a new policy we call ‘double absence’. If they escape a couple of days early, they’ll be punished doubly for their truancy. What would normally a 12 year sentence will become a 24 year sentence, 24 year sentences will become 48 year sentences, and so on and so forth. These prisoners will be staying here, and they will like it!”

Prisoners we spoke to say these new policies have only widened the rift between prisoners and staff. “This is just messed up!” said prisoner #512, who is serving a 1,000-year sentence for five counts of dress code misdemeanor and two counts of out-of-area trespassing. “I was looking forward to Operation Spring Break, and I just thought no one would care if we broke out a day early, especially since mentally, all of us already broke out by then. Apparently I was wrong.” Prisoner #986, who is serving a 500-year sentence for three counts of ID tag larceny, also voiced disapproval. “I was gonna meet my friend in the Malibu prison!” she said. “I told them I would be there by Friday, and now I’m going to be late! Why can’t the Warden just chill out and let us leave? Why do they care so much?”

According to Warden Tallman, civilians should be on high alert during Operation Spring Break. “During Operation Spring Break, prisoners will take over the beaches and all the other hot vacation spots, preventing regular folk from visiting.” Though Tallman did not expect any violence, he said it is still a possibility. He encouraged people to stay indoors for the duration of Operation Spring Break, and those who feared for their lives due to prisoners were urged call the Spring Break Hotline at 555-4357 (HELP). “You never know what to expect from those prisoners,” Warden Tallman said. “They do crazy things when they’re free.”