SATIRE

News media rushed to Osceola Fundamental this morning, as over 1,000 sleep-deprived zombies rushed into the school. Reports say the plague was originally concentrated in the cafeteria and car circle area, but after 6:50 AM, spread all over the school. Heroic men and women, who call themselves ‘the Teachers’, did their best to keep the zombies occupied. “We’re trying to keep the zombies busy with Algebra work and book reports,” the Principal of the Teachers, Mr. Leadalot, said. “Our goal is to keep them in the classrooms, so they’re in the halls as little as possible. If we let them roam free in the hall, we lose our control over them.”
Despite this bleak situation, the Teachers have a glimmer of hope. New reports say a secret research unit, codenamed ‘Snore-No-More’, has recently released an antidote they have called the ‘Caffeinated, Organic, Fully Fabricated Energy Electronography,’ or C.O.F.F.E.E. “Our scientists have indicated that C.O.F.F.E.E. has all the essential nutrients and organic compounds needed to reverse the effects of the zombie plague, to a certain extent,” said I.R. Smarts, a spokesperson for Snore-No-More. “C.O.F.F.E.E. can reduce the haggard, half-aware demeanor of the zombies, giving them the energy needed to return them to a semblance of their former human form.”
However, despite the release of C.O.F.F.E.E., the zombie plague is still going strong. “C.O.F.F.E.E. has definitely helped,” Mr. Leadalot said, “but not all of the zombies are taking C.O.F.F.E.E. For those that aren’t taking C.O.F.F.E.E., the effects of the plague can still be fully seen. And even for those who do take C.O.F.F.E.E., it’s not effective enough for us to release the zombies into normal society. If we don’t do anything soon, the zombies will realize what’s going on, and they will revolt. You can count on that.”
Public health authorities recommend citizens stay indoors during the zombie plague. While the plague is not contagious, some medical experts have speculated it could mutate. If you see a zombie on the loose, report it by calling Mr. Leadalot at 555-3323(DEAD)